Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The Not So Friendly Skies

I just got back from another wonderful trip to NYC. I had a blast, and can't wait to get back there soon. The only part I dread is getting there.

I've been traveling a good deal lately, and I have to tell you, I'm beginning to like flying less and less. I used to get excited before a trip. I loved sitting in airports. I would watch everyone and create stories about where they were going and what their lives were like. On the plane, the seat belt wasn't for my safety, but rather something to hold me back from jumping out of my seat from the anticipation of what lay ahead on my journey. Now it's all I can do not to use it to hang myself with.

It's bad enough that we're already forced to deal with weather issues, over-booked flights, delays for repairs and security checks. There's nothing we can do about these things. One would think that being in the same boat with 300 other passengers would be a bonding experience. Yet we're constantly adding to the annoyance level by acting like complete shits and making our already miserable experience worse.

The truth is, cramped quarters really do bring out the worst in people. There are a lot of selfish people out there who, for whatever reason, completely forget about the collective "we" factor when stuck in an uncomfortable spot and focus only on the "I." I can't tell you how many times I've seen some jackass completely go off on a poor gate agent because a flight is delayed or cancelled, as if their life was the only one affected. We've all witnessed this kind of behavior at one time or another.

So, sitting on my VERY delayed flight, I began to make a list of all the crappy things that I've either seen or had happen to me while flying the "friendly" skies. Of course, when I finished it, I knew I'd post it here as another of my Public Service Announcements. I swear to you, each and every situation below HAS happened to me. If I can save just one of you, I've done my job. So here you go...

Trixie's Guide To Being a Polite Airline Passenger

DO NOT change your child's diaper IN THE SEAT between other passengers. What kind of person does this? CRAP belongs in the bathroom.

DO keep the volume down on your ipod. There's a reason they come with headphones...so other people don't have to hear your shitty choice in music.

DO NOT use your tray table, or the seat in front of you as a drum set.

DO tell your children to stop kicking the seat in front of them. Tie their ankles together if you have to.

DO NOT continuously crack your knuckles, or your gum, or you'll get my hand cracked over your head.

DO bathe and apply deodorant before your flight.

DO NOT bathe in your perfume or cologne before your flight.

DO brush your teeth before your flight. NOTHING is worse than sitting next to someone with halitosis for three hours.

DO NOT talk loudly on your cell phone before takeoff and after landing. The whole cabin does not want to hear how you fucked some guy from Jersey this weekend.

DO turn your electronics off when they ask you to. They won't take off until you do, you jerkoff.

DON'T knowingly try to carry on a bag that's too overstuffed to fit in the overhead compartment. Check that shit. I don't want to wait while they gate-check your bag.

DO observe the personal space of the people sitting next to you. I don't want your fucking thigh on me for the duration of a four hour flight.

DO NOT behave in a way that would require anyone on the plane to use the word "asshole" in reference to you.

DO sit down, shut up and let the rest of us travel in peace.

I think that's all I've got for now. Anyone care to add something else?

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