Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Day Late and A Dollar Short

Well, I had planned on writing all about my trip tonight, but that was before I got stuck at some crazy-ass awards function for work until 11 o'clock. Seriously. These things really blow. They gave out eleven awards, ELEVEN, and it took two and a half hours.

Sure, it was great to be honored and all, but 2 1/2 hours? My ass was numb after 45 minutes. We're up for a pretty prestigious award next month, where the amount of statues they give out is nearly five times that of tonight's. No wonder people are always bitching about the length of award shows. Who wants to sit through 4 hours of bad jokes, stammering speeches, and gratitude to every person one's ever come across? Not this fairy
. No thanks. I think I'll be conveniently ill for this next one.

ALTHOUGH, I might reconsider, based solely on one thing. The gift bag. If the swag I got tonight for such a small event is any indication of the goodies I'll get at the next, I'll stand there and smile pretty for the camera all they want...numb ass and all.

So, as I said, no trip report tonight. Look for something tomorrow. I'm going to drink a glass of whiskey and dive in to bed.



Sunday, October 29, 2006

Happy Birthday To Me

Well, just got home from a fabulous week at Fantasy Fest in Key West, and I'm utterly exhausted. So tired, in fact, that the thought of writing a whole post tonight is pretty much more than I can bear. So, I'll be spending my birthday vegging out on the couch, watching crap TV and relaxing.

I'll be writing a report of my trip and posting photos of all the fun and craziness all week long. But just so you won't think I'm leaving you high and dry my first day back, I've put up a few pictures of me in the pirate costume that all of you voted for.

See you all tomorrow!



What you don't see is the jeweled pasties underneath...

Me, pouring beer for the Muff Diver.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Off To Paradise HNT

Freshly painted toenails and flip-flops. You know what this means, right? Yep, I'm outta here in a few short days. Off to paradise for a whole lotta fun in the sun. So, since I'll be working straight through until it's time to get on the plane, this will be my last post until October 29th...which also happens to be this fairy's birthday. And before you ask, yes, I LOVE presents.

Have a wonderful week while I'm gone, and I promise I'll drink a toast to each and every one of you while I'm away.

Love, Hugs and Kisses!



Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Begging For Help

I'm suffering from a severe lack of creativity lately, and I need your assistance. So, here's the deal. I'm going away for a week (beginning this Sunday) to someplace warm, sunny and crazy, and I need some costume help. I bought the pirate costume you guys chose, and I found something to wear for Red Night, but I'm stuck on what to do for the Plaid Party.

I'm begging you. Can you help me come up with something? It can be anything that has to do with plaid. I don't necessarily want to do the naughty school girl thing, and I don't look good in kilts. Got any advice?

The floor is yours.



Monday, October 16, 2006

Boozin' Rules, Updated

Back in April, I wrote a post outlining how NOT to behave like I drunken, shithead Cub's fan. Obviously, a few people were paying attention, because I had far fewer encounters with idiots this past season than in any of the previous ones.

While the Cub's season (shameful, at it's very best) may now be over, I've found that many of these rules still apply. They do, however, need a bit of an update. So, I thought I'd make it a bit less season specific and mold it in to a general guideline for good bar behavior. Pay attention. I'm talking to YOU!

Trix's Guide to Good Bar Etiquette

Do NOT, under any circumstances, come up to the bar and flag me down, "OOH, OOH-ing" like Arnold Horshack without your drink order ready. Nothing draws my contempt for you more than being interrupted while filling a ten-drink order than to be stopped in the middle of it for "Uh, give me a second. I don't know what I want yet."

Have your fucking money out. You may not care that you're wasting my time, and that of another customer's by keeping me from serving them faster, but I do. Get your shit together.

Unless you're from the UK, or Australia, DO NOT call me "Love." It's insincere, and basically just annoys the shit out of me. Exception: If you're really, really hot, then it's quite alright. But you know if you're hot or not, so I expect you to act accordingly. Yes, I can be THAT shallow. Sue me.

DO NOT order a Cosmopolitan or a frozen Margarita when I've got fifty people waiting for drinks. Have a beer and a shot, and shut the fuck up. You'll like it, because I said so.

No matter WHAT anyone tells you, you are NOT sexy after 14 hours of drinking. If you can't put one foot in front of the other, how in the hell do you think you're going to get laid?

If you can't say the name of the beverage you want, chances are you're too drunk to need it.

Don't EVER ask the question, "What's the cheapest beer you have?" For a bartender, that translates to "Cheap bastard/No tip." I promise you, it's the quickest way to get ignored.

It there's an ashtray on the table, USE IT. If I see you stomp it out on the floor, I'm going to make you pick it up. Who raised you, anyways?

Ladies, tampons go in the garbage can. Why do I even NEED to say this?

Gentlemen, the urinals are for URINE. That's all I'm saying about this one.

Keg stands are great...in a frat house in Des Moines. NOT in the middle of a bar. We'd prefer it if you kept your feet firmly planted on the ground.

If you order a drink, and say "yes" to the question "Will that be all?", I expect that you are telling me the truth. If I come back and you say, "Oh, and another thing...", you can expect that I'll think you're an asshole.

Having a screaming match with your significant other in a bar, while drunk, certainly won't do anything to improve the situation. Take that shit outside.

Ordering Jagerbombs or vodka/Red Bull does NOT make you hip or cool. Anyone who willingly pays that much for a drink is just a moron, plain and simple.

For the love of all that's holy, only order from one bartender at a time. If I repeat your order back to you, rest assured, I'm filling it. You order twice, you impatient fuck, you pay twice, or you can leave.

A good friend does not hold their friend's hair back while they're puking in a garbage can in the middle of a bar. A good friend takes them home.

If you smell like the inside of a sweaty shoe, you shouldn't be out in public. (YES, this does happen.)

Behaving like a self-important bitch will NOT get you what you want. I assure you, I can be a bigger bitch than you any day.

If I say no more booze, I mean just that. NO MORE BOOZE. Arguing will not help your cause. Go home. Sleep it off. There's always another day to behave like an idiot.

I think I've covered most of my pet peeves, but If I've forgotten anything, feel free to let me know. I'll add them to the list. Happy Monday everyone!



Thursday, October 12, 2006

A Very UN-Lady-Like HNT

Bloggers. We're a odd bunch. I don't think a single one of us will ever deny that fact. Some are writers, trying to get published, some want a place to document the growth of their kids, some want a place to document their own personal growth, and still more just need a place to vent. We've each got our own reasons for posting the things we do, but in the end, it all comes down to one simple idea...we're using this medium as a tool to express ourselves.

Of course, there is a certain degree of scrutiny that comes along with opening ourselves up to the world. Inevitably, someone isn't going to like something you say or do. With so many people connected to one another through this high-tech highway, disagreements are a given. I find, though, that the freedom to exchange differing opinions in this format leads to an open dialog, and that, in my opinion, can never be a bad thing. How else can we learn from one another unless we open up our mouths and say what we think and feel?

There's a limit, though, to how far one needs to go to get their point across. Nastiness, just for the sake of it, is something I've never understood. Of course, I'm a bitch, as proven here on multiple occasions, but I don't believe I've ever stooped to the blatant name-calling of a fellow blogger, and I've certainly never looked at someone's blog and publicly declared the content as "insipid" or "uninspired."

This is why I was so disturbed the other day to read a post by a blogger (whom I will not name, because I believe it will lend her a credibility that is completely undeserved) who criticized certain other bloggers' choices of what to post for HNT. The main point to her post was that there seems to be a lack of "humanity" and "creativity" in our photos, and compared them those that one would take to post on sleazy adult web sites, looking for sex partners.

It's not the content that she took exception to, but the context. In other words, it's not the T & A that annoys her, but rather the way in which the photos are taken. To her,
standing in front of a mirror, taking a possibly shaky photograph of yourself (we can't all have amazing camera skills...Heaven knows I don't) is decidedly less valid than those that may tell a story.

So, I went through the blogs of a few of my fellow HNT'ers just to try to see things from her perspective. I also went back and looked at several of my own photos. All I could see, however, was a group of lovely, interesting people who had the balls to share a piece of themselves, whether the picture spoke to me or not.

What I also find interesting is that the comparisons of our photos to those "lurid" ones posted on sleazy adult sites comes from a woman who, on her own blog, has pictures of her removing her g-string, simulated masturbation and, wait for it folks, photographs of her naked genitalia (which, by the way, look like they were taken by some dime store, Glamour Shots hack posing as a professional photographer). Hel
lo pot, I'm kettle. Moreover, this person has a child, who, with just the wrong click of a mouse, could see these photos of his mother. Call my pictures insipid and uninspired all you want. I'll take that over irresponsible any day.

I, as I'm sure is the case with my fellow HNT'ers, participate because I enjoy it...because it turns me on to be brave enough to share something so highly personal with my readers. The accolades and the compliments are great, but make no mistake, I do this for myself first and foremost. I take is as a personal insult for this woman to judge me, to judge YOU. Who is she to decide what is or is not inspiring to others? I also find it insulting to the time and energy that Os, whom I consider a friend, has put in to this project. It quite simply comes down to one thing. Follow the advice that I know ALL of our mothers have told us: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

If there's a silver lining to all of this, it's that I've been inspired to be more creative with my HNT photos...at least for today. So, dear blogger that prompted this post, how's this for inspiration, creativity and humanity?:

I call this photo "GO FUCK YOURSELF."

(But if that doesn't work for you, I hear Tucker Max may still be available. Ok, yeah, that may have been a little bit nasty.)

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

This Bitch Should Be Shot

I read this story on MSN yesterday, and I wanted to vomit. Basically, this crazy woman used her infant child as a makeshift baseball bat and beat her boyfriend with it. Now the poor kid is fighting for it's life, with internal bleeding and a cracked skull.

How is it that we require people to have licenses to drive, but not to be a parent? Personally, I think this bitch should be strung up and tortured, then shot, and then tortured some more. There are some majorly fucked-up people in this world.

I'm baffled.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


A funny thing happens to you when you step outside of your comfort zone and do something that you wouldn't, under most normal circumstances, ever consider involving yourself in. You learn how strong you can be when you toss your fears and inhibitions aside, and you realize what really matters in your life.

Out of respect for the privacy of new friends I made this weekend, I won't divulge too much information, but the truth of the matter is that I, your very own fairy, spent an entire weekend at a resort (and I use that term loosely, for the few of you who read this and know what I'm referring to), sans clothing. Nada. Niente. Just me and the parts my momma gave me, and fifty other naked people laughing and enjoying the company of close friends.

It's refreshing to be with a group of people who don't define themselves by what they do, but rather, present themselves to you as who they really are at the basic core of their existence. When there's no pretense getting in the way, it allows you to get to know a person in a way that would otherwise take years. Strip away the clothes, the career, and the stresses of everyday life and what you get is 100 percent purity.

I consider myself lucky to have had this experience, to have been welcomed into this circle with open arms. I don't know if they realize what they've done for me, how they have helped me to see things in a different, brighter light. But I hope to get the opportunity to show them my gratitude. These are people who's friendship is well worth the effort to keep.

Monday, October 02, 2006

File This Under: My Heart Was in the Right Place

I do this all the time. I decide to start a project, get really excited about it, and then about half way through, I end up asking myself "What the hell was I thinking?" Now I'm sitting here wishing I'd never started, and without the time to write a decent post. So yeah, you're getting short-changed tonight. But I swear to you, my heart was in the right place.

Worse, I had planned to take the rest of the week off from posting because I've got some big plans for the rest of the week. So yeah, again, I feel like I'm letting you down, and I'll be feeling really, really bad about that while I'm lying in the sun, getting tan and drinking Mai-Tais.

Take care of yourselves, boys and girls. I'll be back next Tuesday.