Back in April, I wrote a post outlining how NOT to behave like I drunken, shithead Cub's fan. Obviously, a few people were paying attention, because I had far fewer encounters with idiots this past season than in any of the previous ones.
While the Cub's season (shameful, at it's very best) may now be over, I've found that many of these rules still apply. They do, however, need a bit of an update. So, I thought I'd make it a bit less season specific and mold it in to a general guideline for good bar behavior. Pay attention. I'm talking to YOU!
Trix's Guide to Good Bar Etiquette
Do NOT, under any circumstances, come up to the bar and flag me down, "OOH, OOH-ing" like Arnold Horshack without your drink order ready. Nothing draws my contempt for you more than being interrupted while filling a ten-drink order than to be stopped in the middle of it for "Uh, give me a second. I don't know what I want yet."
Have your fucking money out. You may not care that you're wasting my time, and that of another customer's by keeping me from serving them faster, but I do. Get your shit together.
Unless you're from the UK, or Australia, DO NOT call me "Love." It's insincere, and basically just annoys the shit out of me. Exception: If you're really, really hot, then it's quite alright. But you know if you're hot or not, so I expect you to act accordingly. Yes, I can be THAT shallow. Sue me.
DO NOT order a Cosmopolitan or a frozen Margarita when I've got fifty people waiting for drinks. Have a beer and a shot, and shut the fuck up. You'll like it, because I said so.
No matter WHAT anyone tells you, you are NOT sexy after 14 hours of drinking. If you can't put one foot in front of the other, how in the hell do you think you're going to get laid?
If you can't say the name of the beverage you want, chances are you're too drunk to need it.
Don't EVER ask the question, "What's the cheapest beer you have?" For a bartender, that translates to "Cheap bastard/No tip." I promise you, it's the quickest way to get ignored.
It there's an ashtray on the table, USE IT. If I see you stomp it out on the floor, I'm going to make you pick it up. Who raised you, anyways?
Ladies, tampons go in the garbage can. Why do I even NEED to say this?
Gentlemen, the urinals are for URINE. That's all I'm saying about this one.
Keg stands are great...in a frat house in Des Moines. NOT in the middle of a bar. We'd prefer it if you kept your feet firmly planted on the ground.
If you order a drink, and say "yes" to the question "Will that be all?", I expect that you are telling me the truth. If I come back and you say, "Oh, and another thing...", you can expect that I'll think you're an asshole.
Having a screaming match with your significant other in a bar, while drunk, certainly won't do anything to improve the situation. Take that shit outside.
Ordering Jagerbombs or vodka/Red Bull does NOT make you hip or cool. Anyone who willingly pays that much for a drink is just a moron, plain and simple.
For the love of all that's holy, only order from one bartender at a time. If I repeat your order back to you, rest assured, I'm filling it. You order twice, you impatient fuck, you pay twice, or you can leave.
A good friend does not hold their friend's hair back while they're puking in a garbage can in the middle of a bar. A good friend takes them home.
If you smell like the inside of a sweaty shoe, you shouldn't be out in public. (YES, this does happen.)
Behaving like a self-important bitch will NOT get you what you want. I assure you, I can be a bigger bitch than you any day.
If I say no more booze, I mean just that. NO MORE BOOZE. Arguing will not help your cause. Go home. Sleep it off. There's always another day to behave like an idiot.
I think I've covered most of my pet peeves, but If I've forgotten anything, feel free to let me know. I'll add them to the list. Happy Monday everyone!