Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The Laundry List of Reasons I Hate Laundromats

Last week, I extolled upon the many virtues of my new home. Yes, I love it, but it's not without it's flaws. The window screens could be replaced, the locks are a bit sticky and I'm not really fond of the tile on the floor in the kitchen and the bathroom. All of these can be fixed, so it doesn't really bother me too much.

The only real problem is that there's no laundry facilities,
which means I'm stuck lugging my shit up and down two flights of stairs and carting them to the local laundromat. I know, I know, it's not really THAT big of an issue in the grand scheme of things, but hear me out, alright?

In no particular order, I give you my list of the top ten reasons why I hate going to the laundromat:

1. Families who use every single laundry cart. I realize that a large family means a whole lot of dirty clothes. But is it too much to ask to leave one or two carts for us non-breeders?

2. The "Creepy, Staring Guy." He's always there, watching the ladies fold their panties, yet I've never seen him fold a piece of his own. I'm beginning to think that he just comes there to sniff the dryer lint of pretty girls.

3. Unattended, poorly-behaved children. Whether its screaming and yelling for candy from the vending machine, or racing around in their family's many carts, there's always a bunch of brats in the laundromat. Apparently, their mothers are too concerned with telling their girlfriends how much of a "fucking asshole" their baby daddy is to bother keeping an eye on their monsters.

4. Scary, ghetto moms with 6+ kids. This one goes hand in hand with #3. I have to wonder how far a kid's going to get in life with a mother who screams "Julio, get your motherfucking ass over here and fold these clothes." at him.

5. Televisions. Why are ALL five TV's set to Spanish-speaking stations? There are always plenty of English-speakers there. Can't we have one?

6. Vending Machines. Why is there only ever Mountain Dew and Yoohoo left in the soda machine?

7. Waiting in line for the dryers. Can someone please tell me why, at a quarter per 12 minutes, they don't have enough cash to fix the dryers? It always seems to me that at least half of them are out of order.

8. The fascist laundry attendant. Whether its dripping detergent on the top of the washer, or not closing the doors to the machines when you're done using them, she's good for at least one berating and several dirty looks per visit.

9. Guitar Guy. He's always there, reeking of pot and playing for laundry money, and usually murdering a classic Dylan song.

10. Sock Man. This guy comes in every night with a box of socks, selling them for $2.00 per pair. I swear to God, I'm convinced he's tried to sell me back the socks I've lost in the dryer.

All is not lost though. I've come to realize a few things while waiting for my underwear and towels to dry...

1. I own entirely too many pairs of jeans.

2. Latina women scare the shit out of me and could kick my ass all over laundryland.

3. I finally figured out why they invented 30 pound capacity washers...

(Yeah. I'm a bitch. Tell me something I don't know.)

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