Tuesday, July 18, 2006

It's My Blog, and I'll Break Up If I Want To

I had no plans of addressing this topic for several reasons. First, because it's really no one else's business, and second, because I have a great deal of respect for the feelings of the now ex-BF. Unfortunately, I feel as though my hand has been forced a bit. After some rather nasty comments from someone (Yes, I'm referring to you, Chris from Sydney, at IP address 202.86.116.147, you disgusting fuck. Here's a hint, you coward. Look for a sitemeter symbol BEFORE spewing your venom. I know EXACTLY who you are.) who neither knows me, the ex-BF or our situation, I've chosen to reconsider my position and spill it.

The truth of the matter is this...I fell in love. But falling in love long distance is NOT the same as falling in love up close and personal. All you have are the words shared between you, and those words, when mixed with the desire to be loved, are a potent drug.

Let me begin by saying this, and let it NEVER be misunderstood. He was, and is, a wonderful man. I have not one ill word to say about him, and never will. He is genuine and kind, and capable of giving a great deal of himself. When this began, I knew I was lucky to have him in my life. But as I'm certain most of you know, WANTING to spend the rest of your life with someone, and actually being ABLE to do it are two different things.

You see, because of the distance, we skipped one very important step. We weren't really friends. We were passionate about each other from a short time spent together, but passion and romance does not a friendship make. We didn't really KNOW each other in the all-important, day-to-day kind of way that's necessary for any successful relationship.

Once he was here, it became abundantly clear to me that we are, simply put, different. I realized quickly that I am incapable of giving him what he needs...what he wants. The details aren't important, but the ways in which we express ourselves in person are so wholly opposite from one another, and while I wish I were able to change (trust me, I've tried) for him, the truth of the matter is that I can't. Or won't. Or both. I am who I am, and anything else would be a lie.

I felt that it was important to be honest with him as soon as I was sure of my feelings. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt him. He traveled a long way, and put a great deal of trust in "us." But had I been the one to make the journey, the feelings would have been the same. When something is not meant to be, it's best to speak up and allow the healing to begin. I want it known that I did not come to this decision without a great deal of though, and that I think anyone who insinuates that it wasn't as gut-wrenching for me as it was for him is a complete moron. In the end, this WAS a mutual decision between the two of us.

The beauty of this, though, is that through being honest with one another, that missing friendship has begun to form. We're learning more about one another every day. I enjoy his company, and I value him as a person. And while there's always a part of me that thinks this break-up is a shame, and will probably wonder "What if?" from time to time, I'm certain that I've made the right decision. In the end, isn't that the most important thing one can say?



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