Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Brazilian Bitch-Slaps, Transvestites and the 72nd Airborne

Well, I still have my liver after this past weekend. Not because I necessarily want it, but because I got so sick last night that I couldn't drink. Liver 1, Stomach 0. As for the rest of it, I'll re-cap in bullets. (Damn, Pat. I'm ripping you off again.)

- After work on Thursday, we went to Grant Park for the Taste of Chicago. I had the following, in order: Eli's Cheesecake (with strawberries), Sweet Baby Ray's Ribs, fried dough with powdered sugar, saganaki, and corn on the cob. I love the Taste, but man, I'm glad it only comes around once a year. I'd be as big as a house.

Side note: I heard plenty of conversations there that sounded like English, but not quite. At the risk of sounding racist (I swear to GOD I'm not), though, I have to say that I just don't get the point of Ebonics. If it's supposedly THAT close to English, than why not just SPEAK English. We say motherfucker in the Queen's tongue as well.

- Friday night was pretty uneventful. A little scrabble, a few beers and three episodes of the funniest freaking TV show I've ever seen, Lucky Louie. Best line so far? While telling his wife why they shouldn't have another baby, a very broke Louie says, "Your pussy is the gateway to financial ruin." If you haven't seen it yet, get your ass in front of your TV set and turn on HBO right now. I highly recommend it.

- On Saturday morning, we went to the zoo. A couple of interesting points to make here. First: No matter how much work you have done to become a woman, you can never hide the Adams Apple, and if you're pre-op, please do a good tuck-job before wearing a pair of coochie-cutter shorts. Nothing is nastier than seeing someone's nuts squeezed in to a pair of too-tight shorts. That said, her boyfriend didn't seem to mind as much as I did. Second: I don't think I want kids. After being surrounded by strollers and screaming and spontaneous peeing all day, I'm quite certain I've made up my mind. I don't have it in me to be a breeder.

- We had a good time at the bar on Saturday night, even though I worked. My friend from DC was in town, from this point further dubbed the Super Secret Agent, and he brought a solid group of drinkers in to see me. Greatest line of the night goes to SSA while messing with a particularly drunk woman (and Trixie wanna-be) who believed he really was a secret agent. "Yeah, I was in the military. 72nd Airborne." If you don't get that, look it up. I nearly fell over.

After the SSA and company left, the bar died down. Just a few regulars scattered around, playing darts or pool. Hayden, one of my favorite regulars was shooting pool with a friend, when out of the blue, his Brazilian girlfriend stormed in, screamed her bloody head off at him, cracked him, open handed, square across the jaw and then stormed off. The whole bar went dead-silent. When I asked him what had happened, he said that he blew off watching the Brazil soccer match with her and her friends to play pool with his buddy. Later, while talking with some of the regulars, I asked them if they'd also thought her reaction was just a little extreme, one of them said, "Well you know those South Americans. They really love their soccer." The award goes to Tony for the second funniest line of the night.

- Sunday was spent relaxing and having a few drinks with the SSA and company. No crazy shit there, unless you consider a bunch of grown men nearly brawling in the middle of Clark St. crazy.

- Went to work on Monday (yes, I'm employed by Communists) for a half-day, and then the bosses took us all to lunch at the greatest deli in the Midwest, Eleven City Diner. If you live in Chicago, don't walk, RUN there as fast as you can. This place makes me wish I'd grown up Jewish.

I was supposed to meet the SSA & Co. out that night, but the bug I've had over the past few days finally caught up to me. I spent the rest of my evening hugging porcelain.

So that's my weekend, in a nutshell. Tonight is going to be spent protecting my ears from the fireworks my ghetto-ass neighbors have been blowing up since ten this morning. Pray for me people.

Hugs and Kisses,


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