Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Well, This is Disheartening...
Monday, June 26, 2006
Bottled Sperm, Bare Asses & Animal Carcasses
Fuck me (A statement, NOT a request.). What a long weekend. To be honest, I'm still a bit foggy. There's so much to tell, and I've so little time. I can only cover the highlights. So here goes...
At about noon on Friday, I received this text message from my friend Leadley: Afternoon cocktails?
Me: Uh, some of us actually work for a living, you know.
Leadley: Later then.
Me: Ok, where?
Leadley: Brian and Steve's new place.
T-R-O-U-B-L-E. But me? I'm always up for a challenge. So, after work, I picked up the BF, and we drove towards Uptown to meet Leadley. What transpired next can only be described as drunken debauchery gone awry.
Leadley was on a mission. See, he's petrified of flying, and he had a 10 o'clock flight to Vegas the next morning. His idea? Get as fucked up as humanly possible so that he could pass out the moment he boarded the plane. Here's what I remember:
1. Many, many shots of Jameson poured by Alex, the "flair" bartender. Oh, yeah! He also breathes fire.
2. I met Mr. Krugy! I can't wait to see the sick comments you guys will come up with for this one.
3. There were women walking around in their underwear in the bar. Apparently, they've got a burlesque show every Friday evening. Unfortunately, none of them were hot, so we left.
Everything else after that was pretty much a blur, and I still don't know if Leadley ever made it to Vegas.
Obviously, Saturday was pretty much a wash. Outside of getting up long enough to have breakfast, we slept until I had to get up and get ready for work. It was a relatively uneventful night, but the money was solid and I didn't have to tell anyone to fuck off, so there's that.
On Sunday afternoon, the BF & I went to the tail-end (no pun intended) of the Gay Pride parade. It's always a great deal of fun, and perfect for watching people in all of their hedonistic glory. Nothing but peace, love and happiness...with a little ecstasy thrown in for good measure. We saw lots of this:
Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE gay men. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them. But I don't need to see their hairy asses. I don't want to see ANYBODY'S hairy ass. It's just wrong, people! Can we please go back to last year's trend of white tanktops, camouflage kilts and combat boots?
After we had our fill of people-watching, we headed off to our next destination...Dolly's Revenge. This is an annual event thrown by the Greek boyfriend of a co-worker which celebrates all things "lamb." This was the first year that I was able to attend, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.
Walking in to the party, all I could see was a gutted animal, roasting on a spit. I'm by no means vegetarian, but to be honest, seeing that thing up there, split open and roasting, nearly made me vomit. Worse yet was the fact that they were playing Yanni in the background. Neither the BF nor I could take it any longer, so we left...and got Thai food instead.
I think that pretty much covers it. Stay tuned for next weekend...I've got friends in town, and they've thrown down the gauntlet. I'm pretty sure I'll need a new liver by next Monday.
Have a great week!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
A Very Levi's HNT
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
***Note: I started writing this earlier today, needing only to finish the "Deaths" portion. However, since I had to go to a memorial service tonight, I think that would be rather morbid. So I'm going to skip that part.
1. In 1863, sixteen countries met in Geneva to form the International Red Cross. The Swiss always have the best ideas...The army knife, the Swatch, & Nestles chocolate. The Swiss rock...as long as you don't ask them to choose sides.
2. In 1886, the ticker-tape parade is invented in New York when office workers started dumping their wastebaskets out their office windows on the day the Statue of Liberty was dedicated. Leave it to my fellow Americans to celebrate a national event by throwing garbage in the street.
3. In 1969, the first ever computer-to-computer link was established on ARPANET, the big, bad Grand Daddy of the Internet. Weird fact: Bill Gates was born on October 28th. Different year, though. But coincidence? I think not.
1. Yasmin LeBon, British Model (1964). AKA, the bitch who stole my future husband, Simon (of Duran Duran fame), and shattered my teenage heart. Coincidentally, Simon's birthday is October the 28th.
2. Niki de Saint Phalle, French Sculptor, Painter and Film Maker (1930). A woman after my own heart. Combined paint containers & firearms to create works of art.
3. Kate Jackson, American Actress (1948). A Charlie's Angel. Need I say more?
Seems to me that some pretty cool shit happened on my birthday...namely ME being born. But that's just my opinion. Feel free to form one of your own.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Tell Me Why...
God damn, I'm getting old. When I was in my twenties, I could work all day at one job, tend bar at night, drink until 6AM, sleep for an hour and then get up and do it all over again the next day, all without feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. I could party like the rock star I was, then crash just one day a week and never be the worse for wear. Now, though, as the early-thirties cruelly introduce themselves to me, I find it usually takes me far longer to recover from any type of fun I endeavour to have. This weekend was no exception. Bugger.
Friday night was spent recovering from the Thursday night's festivities (thanks, BF & Mona). The BF & I went to Billy Goat's for dinner (Cheezeborger! Cheezeborger!), saw the new X-Men movie (nowhere near as good as the first two) and then went to bed early.
On Saturday, we got up and went to breakfast, and then headed straight to a bar to watch the US/Italy World Cup game. While there, the BF & I invited a few strangers to sit at our table since we had plenty of room and there was a serious lack of seating. As it turns out, they were a great deal of fun, AND had an extra ticket to the Cubs game, to which they invited the BF to join them while I was stuck schlepping booze at the bar.
The weather was beautiful, so even though the Cubs lost (there's a shocker), the bar was totally packed after the game. To say I got my ass handed to me would be an understatement, however, it was a lot of fun, and I made a shitload of cash. Plus, I got the BF and our new friends totally wasted, so it was a very good night indeed.
On Sunday we drove out to the burbs for the very first meeting of the BF and my parents, and I thought it went quite well. I'm pretty sure we haven't scared him off completely. All the boys drank beer and watched soccer, and bonded over the "Girls of the World Cup" issue of Playboy magazine (which, BTW, is addressed to MY MOTHER...very weird.). We gorged ourselves on everything from kebabs to brownie pie, and laughed our asses off at the dinner table. Special thanks to Nona for telling us about scraping the dead frog off the driveway. I think I'm still gagging.
All in all, it was a fun weekend, though I'm wiped out from it and will need another night to fully recover. Getting old really sucks sometimes. And now, some random shit inspired by the events of the weekend...
Anyone who drives a Hummer in a big city (where parking is near impossible and the cost of gas is over $3.25 per gallon) is a fucking idiot, and NO ONE will convince me otherwise.
I don't know how I haven't noticed this before, but HOLY CRAP are there a ton of transvestites on the corner of Belmont and Sheffield at 4 o'clock on a Sunday morning. Where do they all come from? Boystown is a few blocks in the other direction.
Can someone please tell me how much longer this Dan Ryan expressway construction is going to last? There is absolutely NO reason why it should take me an hour and a half to get to my parents' house on a SUNDAY afternoon.
Is it just me, or are the Italians the biggest pussies in the World Cup? Get off the ground, you big baby, and quit your complaining.
OH! One more question in reference to soccer. What the hell is that canned stuff they were spraying on the players' asses (down the back of their shorts) after they fell down?
Have a good day, everyone.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Falling Out of My Top HNT
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Proof Is In the Pen...The Lion's Pen
Last week, Reuters posted this story:
Lioness in Zoo Kills Man Who Invoked God
Mon Jun 5, 2006 08:31 AM ET
"The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.
"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."
The incident, Sunday evening when the zoo was packed with visitors, was the first of its kind at the attraction. Lions and tigers are kept in an "animal island" protected by thick concrete blocks.
My answer, then, after reading this story? Yes, God most certainly exists, and She loves to punish stupid men, just as all women do.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Since I've been a bad little fairy lately and not posting, I thought I'd at least let you know what's been happening over the past week. So, here's a tiny re-cap for you...
BF Arrives. Drive straight to the bar and enjoy some celebratory cocktails. Stay out WAY too late.
Wake up feeling like hell from too much booze and a lack of solid sleep. Drink 8 bottles of water and take 10 Advil over the course of the day. Go to Fat Willy's for dinner and consume enough grease to kill a small mammal. See DaVinci Code and eat so much popcorn I am certain I'll explode. I don't spontaneously combust, but pass out rather early.
Well rested and fully recovered from Tuesday. Get up and go to work as BF tours the city for hours. Make plans to meet Crazy Ray for cocktails at the old stomping grounds, Mother Hubbard's. Things WILL get ugly. Meet BF & Ray at bar and proceed to drink countless beers and shots (thanks, Ray-Fucker). Decide going to ANOTHER bar is a good idea. Yay! Good times! Head to O'Hagan's where more beers and shots were in order. Ray pulls his Houdini act, so BF & I decide to have a nightcap at my bar. Go home, pass out. Still have NO idea when the elbow-wound occurred.
Wake up feeling as if I've been kicked in the head. Go to work feeling as if I've been kicked in the head. Consume vast quantities of greasy breakfast food in vain effort to soak up the remainder of the alcohol in my system. Fails miserably. Go home, order pizza, watch a movie and pass out by 9:30pm.
Hooray! It's the weekend! Grab breakfast at Hollywood (the Belgian waffle sucked, BTW) and then headed to the Pier to meet the fam. Enjoyed a lovely lunch with sis, hubby-in-law, BF & niece and nephew. Said our goodbyes and ran off to Grant Park for the Chicago Blues Festival. Saw a large black man in head-to-toe red (including matching fedora and shoes), and decided once and for all that ONLY large black bluesman can pull that look off. Drank a few beers. Got a call from Crazy Ray. Let the games begin!
Went to Jake's. Remind myself that nothing good can happen in a bar that has a neon skull and crossbones sign in the window. NOTHING good does happen. Very, very drunk. Walk Ray to a cab. He decides he wants a burrito instead of going home. Have a brilliant idea. Let's go to my bar! Continue quest to become winner of alcoholic competition. Decide later it's a stupid idea and want to go home. Pass out.
Wake up around noon. Watch "Shawn of the Dead" with BF. He makes me breakfast. Clean up, shower and go shopping. Come home, watch "A Christmas Story" (Can you IMAGINE??? BF has NEVER seen it!!!), "Forty Year-Old Virgin" and "Layer Cake." Eat leftover pizza and pass out.
Wake up, refreshed. Decide BF is right. Theme for this week? MODERATION.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Something Else HNT
You may not want to look. It's very, very scary.
* * *
You may wish to look away, but I urge you to continue...
* * *
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Schmutz, the office mascot, and the smallest wiener I've ever seen:
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
The Boyfriend Is Coming! The Boyfriend Is Coming!
Hugs and Kisses,
Monday, June 05, 2006
Yeah, Yeah. I'm Slacking. Deal With It.
Funniest Shit I've Ever Heard as a Bartender...
Redneck Male Customer: Do y'all have Cherry McGullicuddy's?
Fabulous Bartender (Me): No. Sorry, we don't.
RMC: What about regular Dr. McGullicuddy's?
Me: Nope. But I do have Rumpleminze. They're pretty much the same.
RMC: Hell no. I can't drink that shit. I gotta drive.
***For those of you who aren't familiar with McGullicuddy's and Rumpleminze, they're minty flavored liquors, usually done as shots. McGullicuddy's is a MUCH milder liquor than Rumpleminze, but still, IT'S BOOZE.
I'm Just Sayin'...
If you're very tall and you're dumb enough to wear a yellow shirt to a bar, you should neither expect not to have a "Big Bird" joke tossed your way, nor should you be pissed of by it. It's your own damned fault, stupid.
And the Award for Best Acrobatics Goes To...
...The Drunk Guy on the Bike. I swear to God, I'm not making this up. While walking out to my car after work, I watched a drunk man on a bike run in to a car, flip over his handlebars and land on the car's hood. Score: A perfect ten.
Drunk Chicks are Funny...
On the drive home, I saw a girl hobbling, by herself, down Sheffield Ave. On her right foot, she wore a four inch stiletto. On her left foot was the matching shoe, minus the heel. Ah, vanity.
Overall, a very good weekend I think.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
All Business HNT
Me and my beer, and my martini at a private event for my "real job." Can you say "wasted" anyone?
Sorry for the crummy pic, folks (Christ, my face looks fat, and could my hair be any rattier?), but my camera is occupied elsewhere at the moment. It's all I've got. I do, however, like the guilty look on my face. I have no idea what I did to bring about that expression...the events of that night are rather fuzzy.
Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!