Wednesday, May 03, 2006

You're Sorry? You Bet Your Ass You Are.

Sorry folks, but today's post is going to be nothing more than my own personal bitch-fest. If you're offended easily, or work for any of the companies listed below, you can just fuck off...because I don't want you here anyways.

When did customer service become nothing more than empty "I'm sorries?" When did it become ok for people to apologize profusely, yet not get off their fat, lazy asses to solve the problem? When did companies start hiring customer service personnel without any interpersonal skills? When did a customer's rights fly the hell out the window? Have I been asleep while all of this changed? How did I miss it?

Over the past few weeks, I've been forced do deal with countless acts of incompetence, inaction and generally rude behavior from several companies and their employees. I've been flat-out lied to, called a liar, bounced around from person to person and pretty much given the big old middle finger while trying to resolve serious errors on the part of some of my vendors. All I've received are a bunch of empty promises and meaningless apologies. So, I feel the need to send them some apologies of my own.

First, to Dell:
- I'm sorry that your billing department is a bunch of dipshits and can't get your accounting straight, so that I have to talk to no less than two of you fuckers per week to explain your job to you.
- I'm sorry that you have misapplied payments on ALL FOUR of my company's accounts, even though I write you FOUR separate checks, and put the account numbers on them. Silly me for thinking that would help.
- I'm sorry you send our invoices to an address that we haven't occupied for over five years. I've given you our current one at least fifty times. Really, I'd LOVE to give it to you once more.
- I'm sorry for expecting that the large amounts of money we pay you isn't enough to get someone with the slightest amount of common sense to help me. What was I thinking???
- I'm sorry that once our accounts are completely paid off, I'll never buy another Dell again. I'm also sorry that I'm going to tell anyone whose considering buying a Dell about how terrible of a time I've had dealing with you.
- Oh! I almost forgot! I'm sorry that the guy in the "Dude, I got a Dell" commercial was the SMARTEST employee you've ever had.

Second, to Belkin:

- I'm so fucking sorry that I ever bought your piece of shit wireless router in the first place.
- I'm sorry that your technical support center is in FUCKING Bangladesh or some other South Asian country, and that your techs have the thickest goddamned accents I've ever tried to understand. (Sorry, Habeeb, you were trying to be helpful. I just couldn't understand you. You're the only one in that company I don't want to fuck off.)
- I'm sorry that I have to restart my wireless system every damn time I turn my computer on.
- I'm sorry I've called you over ten times in the first two weeks of owning this stupid router in an attempt to make it work.
- This next apology goes to the asshole at Best Buy who sold it to me: I'm sorry I let you talk me in to this piece of junk instead of just buying a longer cable. Screw you, buddy.

Finally, to McCloud USA and SBC (combined):

- I'm sorry that you (SBC) decided to give over control of our phone lines to McCloud without notifying us OR getting our permission.
- I'm sorry that I've been trying to get you to fix line four for a goddamned month now, and you keep passing the buck between each other.
- I'm sorry that you had to send out a technician that was 400 pounds and that he couldn't climb his fat ass up the ladder to reach our phone box.
- I'm sorry that I paid $135 to the outside vendor you told me to get, because you couldn't help me, just to be told that there was nothing he could do until you fixed things on your end.
- I'm sorry that I feel like a freaking ping-pong ball being bounced around between two companies who obviously don't give a rat's ass if their customers are dissatisfied.
- I'm VERY sorry that you're the only real telephone service providers in the area, or I'd switch companies in a heartbeat.

You're all a bunch of asshole, rip-off artists, and you should be ashamed of yourselves. People come to you as customers, spending their money in good faith. The least you could do is make an ATTEMPT to fix the problems you've created. Sometimes, "I'm sorry" just isn't good enough.

I'm going to have a beer or ten now, smoke a pack of cigarettes, and attempt to relax. Have a wonderful fucking day.

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