Monday, May 22, 2006

Further Proof That Alcohol+People=Idiocy

I love tending bar sometimes. Sure, the fast cash is great, but better still is the huge amount of entertainment I derive from watching people make complete and utter fools of themselves when they're drunk. This Saturday night proved to be one of the most amusing nights to date. So, I'd like to say a personal little thank you to the cast of characters who made me laugh my ass off. You make what I do worthwhile.

To "The Man of Steel":

Hey, listen buddy. I'm really sorry we has to toss you out of the bar, but for some reason, the rest of our clientele doesn't appreciate the beauty that is the "Raging Alcoholic." Personally, I have no problem with someone speaking in tongues and foaming at the mouth. But let's be honest. You really were stinking up the joint, and that is something we simply can't have.

What I don't understand, however, is why you felt the need to run in to the middle of the street to voice your protest against the injustice of your ejection. There really are better ways of solving a problem than getting yourself hit by a cab. I mean, come on! You could have gotten yourself killed, and I know you practically gave Habeeb a heart attack.

I'm glad you're ok, though. I was very worried about you for a moment there. But, you know, I think the limp gives you a little character. It makes you seem, oh, just that much more pathetic. Maybe you can work it in to your panhandling act. A guy like you needs all the help you can get.

To "Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dumber":

I know that neither of you are attractive, intelligent or charming, and therefore have no luck with the ladies. I also know that's got to be a crappy way to go through life. But seriously, guys. Do you really think cock-blocking one another all night long over a weepy divorcee on her fifth martini is a good idea? She's wasted, and wants to throw the balls of every man she sees in a vise at the moment. Do the words "lost cause" mean anything to you? But thanks for the giggles nonetheless. It was so much fun to watch.

To "The Coke Whore":

Call me crazy, but I personally think there's nothing attractive about a woman who is so coked and hooched up that you can't stand up straight. That said, it was fun watching you slur your words and hit on men that wouldn't touch you even if they were wearing a Teflon condom. I have a question for you, though. Why do you bother getting all dressed up if you're going to behave like a dime store hooker?

And finally...

To "The Pussy":
Man, I knew you were going to be fun the moment you walked through the door in your RL button down, Dockers and Top-Siders. I nearly peed when I saw you, trailing five feet behind your girlfriend while she chatted on her cell phone, carrying her Banana Republic and Gap bags in your hands. I definitely laughed my ass off when you ran to the bar, asked what kind of chardonnay we have, and then ran back to tell her. But my favorite part was when you tried to pay with your Amex, and I told you we only accept cash. You actually had to run to your prissy bitch to grab what is probably your own cash to begin with. Let me ask you something. Were you born without balls, or did they shrivel back up inside you the day you met her?

I wish you all had been there with me to witness all of this. I swear, every word is true. I'm not talented enough to make this shit up. It almost makes the cash inconsequential. Almost.

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