Wednesday, May 31, 2006

From Now On, I'm Leaving It to the Pros

This is a public service announcement for my female readers. If you get queasy easily, you may want to skip this post.

* * *

With the BF's arrival only a week away, I've been busy shopping and cleaning in an attempt to make his stay here more comfortable. Hell, I've even planted flowers on my balcony. Obviously, I also have to do a few girly things and clean myself up as well. I have to look nice for the boy, right?

Last night, I decided to "prune" my own personal "garden" if you know what I mean. Now, normally, I'd leave the waxing task to my favorite Eastern European esthetician, Sophia. But while walking through the store the other day, I found this:



"What the hell," I thought. "I'll try this myself." Why spend sixty-five smackaroos when I can do it on my own? The packaging promised that the process would be easy and relatively pain free, and the instructions, upon opening the box, seemed easy enough to follow. I've had this done enough, and I've paid attention. There's no reason why I couldn't do this.

So, I plopped the little jar of wax in to the microwave (step one), set the timer for one minute, and dropped trow. When it was done cooking, I stirred the wax until it was smooth and creamy (step two). When I was satisfied that it was the right consistency, I touched it with the tip of my finger to test the temperature (step three). HOLY JESUS! That's hot. I decided to wait a minute and let it cool.

When the temp was bearable, I slathered on the pre-wax oil (step four) and then began the application of the wax (step five) with the small wooden spatula they supplied. Here's a few of the thoughts that went through my head at that moment:

"Christ, this is messy. It's going to suck cleaning this up."

"Shit, it's stuck to my fingernail. Crap, it actually removed the nail polish!"

"OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH!"

I was still feeling relatively confident about it, even though it seemed a bit more difficult than the instructions. So, I waited for the wax to cool (step six) and then flicked up the corner of one of the edges (step seven). I pulled my skin taut in the opposite direction of the hair growth (step eight), counted to three (step nine - I added this step on my own) and pulled (step ten).

"HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!!!"

What came next was the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my life. Along with the hair, came part of my skin, and yes, even blood. Worse, the wax didn't stay together in an even strip. So to remove all of it, I had to pull, a piece at a time until all of it was gone, and take more skin along with it.

So this is my plea to you, ladies. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, buy this product. The packaging LIES, I tell you. It is pure evil, and must be destroyed.

For any men who have been brave enough to read thus far, I hope you realize what pain we put ourselves through to look good for you. As for me and my brutalized skin, I'm going to let myself heal for a couple of days. Oh, and I have an appointment with Sophia on Friday. After this episode, I'll never trust my "garden" to anyone but a professional again. Take that however you'd like.

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