Sunday, April 09, 2006

Twilight Zone? Nope. Just Cubs Opening Weekend

Douchebags.

Yeah, I said it. Douchebags. After three baseball seasons working at my bar, you would think I'd be used to them by now. Prepared, even. The single WORST day to tend bar in Chicago is decidedly NOT St. Patty's Day, nor is it New Year's Eve, as one would normally assume. Nope. Not even close.

This weekend was the Cubs home opener, the time of year when every jackass and his friends crawl out from whatever rocks they've been hibernating under to torture, torment and basically piss me off. "Tsk, tsk, Trixie. What are you complaining about? You raked in the dough, right?" Well, my friends, ask yourself this...is 400 bucks and a 13 hour shift worth:

1. Cleaning up puke in the ladies' room...twice?

2. Cleaning up the vomit of a drunk yuppie chick...off the top of the bar (and, no, I didn't serve her)?

3. Being called a bitch after I took some twat's drink back...because she ordered it, yet had no money to pay for it?

4. Plunging the ladies' room toilet, because of course, the sign that says, "Dispose of sanitary napkins in the proper receptacles" only applies to OTHER women?

5. Hearing Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" a total of 12 times, played on the jukebox, because apparently, it's imperative that every college kid HAS to sing it at the top of their voice at least ONCE an hour?

It's not worth it to me...but you be the judge. $400 in cold, hard cash is great, but we're dealing with quantity here, people. NOT quality. I have to work ten times as hard to make that kind of cash, when on an average, non-Cubs game night, I'll walk with about $300. Are you starting to see my point?

As if all this wasn't bad enough, the Cubs played the St. Louis Cardinals. Ah! The "Show Me State" fans. Let me explain, for all of you that are unaware of what these people are like. Show me a die-hard Card's fan, and I'll show you an asshole. And NO. We don't have Coors Light. I'm sure most people from Missouri would tend to agree with me. No? Who cares. You're from Missouri. Enough said.

Now, if you've read my blog for the past few months, then you're aware that in general, I pretty much love my bar and the customers I serve. If you haven't, then I suggest you read this before you continue. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. We're the LEAST Wrigley-ish bar in a six square-block radius, and that's what makes it so great.

When you're dealing with the Cubs post-game crowd, however, well, my friends, that's a whole different ballgame (no pun intended). They're rude, obnoxious and pretty much, with rare exception, the hair on the pimple on the ass of society. They're pond scum. They display all the behaviors of the type of customer every bartender LOVES to hate. "What are those behaviors, Trixie?" Funny you should ask. I was just about to tell you...and how to avoid becoming one of them. Consider this another one of my Public Service Announcements.

Trix's Guide to NOT Behaving Like a Drunken, Shithead Cub's Fan

1. Do NOT, under any circumstances, come up to the bar and flag me down, "OOH, OOH-ing" like Arnold Horshack without your drink order ready. Nothing draws my contempt for you more than being interrupted while filling a ten-drink order than to be stopped in the middle of it for "Uh, give me a second. I don't know what I want yet."

2. Have your fucking money out. Do you NOT see the people lined up ten-deep behind you? Do you not see the sweat on my brow? I'm busy here, you idiot. Get your shit together.

3. Unless you're from the UK, or Australia, DO NOT call me "Love." It's insincere, and basically just annoys the shit out of me. Exception: If you're really, really hot, then it's quite alright. But you know if you're hot or not, so I expect you to act accordingly. Yes, I can be THAT shallow. Sue me.

4. DO NOT order a Cosmopolitan or a frozen Margarita when I've got fifty people waiting for drinks. Have a beer and a shot, and shut the fuck up. You'll like it, because I said so.

5. No matter WHAT anyone tells you, you are NOT sexy after 14 hours of drinking. If you can't put one foot in front of the other, how in the hell do you think you're going to get laid?

6. If you can't say the name of the beverage you want, chances are you're too drunk to need it.

7. Don't EVER ask this question: "What's the cheapest beer you have?" For a bartender, that translates to: "Cheap bastard/No tip/spent all his cash at the game." We ignore dipshits like you.

8. Keg stands are great...in a frat house in Des Moines. NOT in the middle of a bar.

9. This one is for the girls...Ladies, I don't care how great you think you look. It's freezing outside. Tank tops and stiletto heels are NOT appropriate attire for a ballgame - or my bar. Put some clothes on, you dirty whore. Who are you dressing up for anyways? The jackass in the "I love MILF's" shirt? Have some self-respect.

10. Ordering Jagerbombs or vodka/Red Bull does NOT make you hip or cool. Anyone who willingly pays that much for a drink is just an asshole, plain and simple.

I think I've covered all the bases (again, no pun intended), but I'm certain I'll have more as the season progresses. There's no end to the amount of assholes I'll be dealing with through October. Oh, wait. I'm talking about the Cubs. Change that to August. I'm certain their season will be over by then. Maybe there is a patron saint of weary bartenders after all.




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