Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Sleepless Nights

I've always been a sound sleeper. Ask my mother if you don't believe me. She's told me over and over again about how she often thought about setting off some form of explosive under my bed when I was younger, just to get me out of it. When I was a baby, my parents used to take me to stock car races (insert your favorite white trash joke here - we were poor...you get your entertainment where you can), and I'd sleep right through them.

Lately, though, I can barely fall asleep. When I lay my head down on the pillow and close my eyes, my mind begins to race. Issues of the day and my thoughts of the future weigh heavily on me now. There's so much to do, so much to plan for...and I have no idea how to get it all done before I get on a plane, headed towards my new life.

I think about my need to find a job in an unfamiliar country, of leaving the cushy one I have here. I worry about being a financial drain on him, even though he says not to. I fear that I won't make new friends and that I'll miss my loved ones terribly. I worry about not being able to attain a visa. But mostly, I'm terrified that I'll move 9000 plus miles away from everything I know, and he'll decide he really doesn't love me after all.

Worse than the troubled thoughts, though, is the simple fact that I miss having him next to me at night. His scent is gone from my pillows now. He's not here to wrap his arms around me...to tell me to not be afraid. There's no warmth and comfort in my bed without him. Once a place of refuge, it's slowly become my enemy.

I'm tired and weary now. Am I fated to insomnia until he's next to me again? I'm not sure if my mind and heart can take it. I want to be strong, but laying alone in a dark, silent house is nearly impossible to bear. But what can I do? Responsibilities and obligations are forcing us to be apart for a while longer.
If I were being rational, I'd tell myself that every problem has a solution, and I'd fall fast asleep. Who ever said, though, that the things we do for love are rational? So, I must wait, because I have no other choice. Until then, all I have are daydreams of a peaceful sleep.

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