Sunday, March 05, 2006

The Prize

A while back, I wrote a post about a spam email I’d received, asking all of you to translate it for me. I offered up a prize for the winner, and as you all know, dear Faltenin was the victor.

In honor of his win, I’ve decided to do an interview with him. It’s sort of my little way of saying thank you for his efforts, and to allow you to get to know him a bit better. We’ve decided to post it on both of our blogs. How fun! A crossover! So, without further ado, here’s my conversation with that charming cat…


Welcome to Bated Breath, Faltenin.

Buenas dias, senorita Trixie. I must say, you are very much ze beauty today. (Purr)

Thank you. I have to tell you, I was expecting a fish. Why the image change?

Ah yes, vell, I had my reasons for changing ze profile picture. Purrrrsonal reasons.

Obviously, anonymity is important to you. Did someone recognize your flippers?

Si, amiga, zat crazy Dory found me. She would not leave me alone!

A blog stalker?

Si. Ze ladies love me.

So, what’s with the stupid accent?

Just being zexy for the Trixie.

Well, if you don’t mind, I’d like you knock it off. You sound more like Inspector Clouseau that Antonio Banderas.

Sorry. Can you take that heel out of my paw now, please? Ouch.

As I was saying…You’re the winner of my Spamalot competition. You did a wonderful job of turning that surreal spam e-mail into a beautiful poem that sounded much lovelier, even if it was just as obscure. Where did this fabulously useless talent come from?

Well, I write a lot of poetic letters on my blog to a person with whom I’d like to share something special.

You mean, like these love letters? Or like Missy's letters to the Universe?

Oh, no, like these: DEAR SIR, CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL, HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE NIGERIAN CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF $47,500,000.00 (FORTY SEVEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) INTO YOUR ACCOUNTS.[…]

Remind me to gut you after this interview. So, anyway, you won the first prize, even though I'm having second thoughts now. Any idea of what it might be?

I was hoping for something along the lines of the BJ post… (wink wink, nudge nudge)

Is this why you changed from a clown fish to a cat? So you would be "equipped" for what you thought would be your prize?

Err…

Silly naked feline in a floppy hat with a boot fetish. The prize is, in fact, an autographed copy of my new book, the "Dummy's Guide to the G-Spot."

With the demo DVD? Or even better, with the hands-on training?

Have you seen the claws on those paws of yours? You must be joking. This Trixie takes care of her love nest.

Maybe just a little kiss?

Hairball flavoured smooches. Sandpaper tongue? Right. Don't you have a mouse to catch? Or an ogre to beat up?

This gato knows when he is unwelcome and knows how to exit with style – adios, Hermosa. Olé!

Pretentious quadruped.

On-line Tease.


Well. That was successful. Remind me to block his IP address.

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