Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Trixie's Guide to Woman-Speak

Let's face it. For men, understanding the inner-workings of the female mind is nearly impossible. At times, we can be incredibly vague, often leaving men searching for the appropriate answer so as not to find their nuts in a vise. On other occasions, we pepper our statements or questions with innuendo, leaving everything open to the males' interpretation.

Male friends of mine are constantly asking me things like, "I don't get it. What did I say that was so wrong?" or "Help me here, Trix. What did she mean by that?" So, in yet another attempt at creating harmony between the sexes, I've come up with this list of common questions women ask and statements we make, and then I've included what they actually MEAN. Ready? Pay attention. You're going to need this one day...

She Says: I don't care. It's your decision.
She Really Means: I want you to do what I want you to do, and if you don't, no blowjob tonight.

She Asks: What are you doing this weekend?
She Really Means: You had better be planning on spending a ton of time with me.

She Asks: Do you think that girl is better looking than me?
She Really Means: If you don't stop looking down the front of her shirt, I'm going to fucking kill you.

She Says: No
She Really Means: No

She Says: Maybe
She Really Means: No

She Says: Yes
She Really Means: If you do everything I ask you to do, then maybe I'll say "yes." Read: NO

She Says: I like sports.
She Really Means: I hate sports, but there's no way I'm going to let you watch the game at a bar with your retarded, disgusting friends unless I'm sitting right next to you.

She Says: Really, I'm not angry.
She Really Means: You had better get me some flowers - fast - before I throw your ass out.

She Says: Don't worry, baby. It's perfectly normal. Really, it was great.
She Really Means: I'm only hanging out with you until someone better comes along.

She Asks: What are you thinking right now?
She Really Means: You had better be thinking of ten different ways to tell me how much you love me.

She Asks: What do you do for a living?
She Really Means: Do you make enough cash to keep me in Jimmy Choo's?

She Asks: Does this make my ass look fat?
She Really Means: Tell me I look beautiful, or no sex tonight.

She Says: Before you, I've only had sex with two other men.
She Really Means: If you don't count giving head.

So there you have it. The truth. Guys, I truly hope it helps you understand women a bit better. But please, if I've missed something here, feel free to ask...

...though I can't guarantee I'll tell you what I really mean.

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