I Got Nothing...
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A Fairy's Tale
As we lay there, bodies still tangled up together, my questions for him had all but faded away. I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, and there was nothing that could be said between us that would make me want to leave him.
We talked freely now, like two people who have been together forever...people that truly know the deepest parts of one another. There was more discussion of the future, of love and of life. We kissed in between words...deep and passionate kisses that left his taste on my lips long after they were removed from his.
He smiled at me, and it was at once sweet and devilish. I knew what he wanted before he asked.
"I want you on top of me."
He put his hands on my hips and lifted me up, and in one swift movement, he slid beneath me. I moved each of my legs to either side of him and rested on my knees. I kissed his ears, his shoulders, his chest. I rose up on my knees to let him find me, and then eagerly took him inside me. I took my time with him at first. Slowly moving up and down, I teased the head of his penis. Then deeper, taking all of him in me, until we couldn't tell where my body ended and his began. We came quickly together, and I collapsed against his chest.
When I had finally caught my breath, I sat up, and looked at him. His handsome face was revealed to me whole, no longer hidden by shadows. I bent down to kiss him...to tell him how happy I was to be with him. I curled in to him, satisfied and exhausted, and we lay there for what seemed like hours.
Sunlight began to peek through the shades, and he stirred. He kissed my forehead, gently pulled away from me and stood.
"Where are you going? I asked.
"It's time for me to leave you now."
"But why? I just found you. Why do you have to leave?"
"Baby, you didn't find me. I've been here all along. You just couldn't see me."
"I don't understand."
"Don't you see? I'm the idea of everything you've ever wanted and needed."
"I know you are...so why do you have to go?"
"Because you have to wake up now. I've shown you what you can have, and now it's up to you to find me."
With those words and a kiss, he was gone. I laid there in my bed for a long time. Sadness and confusion consumed me. Hours passed. My sobbing turned to whimpers, and before I knew it, I had cried myself to sleep.
I woke up early, just as the sun was beginning to rise. I was tired, but also restless. It was as though I'd tossed and turned all night, but I wasn't exhausted.
Flashes of images came to me in waves. In my mind, I could see a man's face. He was beautiful and perfect, and he was smiling at me. Even through my morning fog, it was completely clear. Thoughts of hope and happiness filled me.
I walked to the bathroom, started the shower and undressed. I turned and caught sight of myself in the mirror. I was smiling, and all I wanted at that moment was to hurry up and start my day. He was out there somewhere, waiting for me to find him, and I didn't want to waste another second.
I want you to know one thing, though. Your grace, beauty, intelligence and strength have touched the lives of so many people that there will never be a shortage of love in your life. Please remember this in the days ahead, and don't ever be afraid to ask us for our support. Like me, your friends and loved ones will be there for you in a heartbeat.
I'm truly sorry this has happened. I wish nothing for you but a life full of love and happiness. That may seem so far away from you right now, but I know one thing for certain. It's only a matter of time until you find that person who truly deserves you, and who will appreciate all the beautiful things about you that have made me, and everyone who knows you, love you so dearly.
All my love, Trix
Let me go back a step...
About five years ago, my father met me at my office and took me to lunch. My co-worker and close friend Maria joined us. She was somewhat aware of how open my family and I are with one another, but on that particular day, well, let's just say she got a crash course in the Trixie family business.
My father was describing his latest batch of medications, and the various afflictions they were supposed to cure. Out of nowhere, he said, "You know what the worst part of all this is? I can't get it up for your mother anymore." After performing the Heimlich maneuver on Maria to dislodge the tortellini she was choking on, I asked my father if he had talked to the doctor about Viagra.
"I've got an appointment with him this week."
"Do you think it'll be ok to take it with all the other meds you're on?"
"I don't know, but screw it. If it doesn't, I'm going to stop taking all that other crap. I want to be a good husband to your mother."
Let's all say it together, folks...awwwwww.
About a month later, pops came back & took me to lunch again. I asked Maria if she'd like to join us, and surprisingly enough, she said yes. Actually, I think what she said was, "Are you kidding? There's no freaking way I'd miss out on this!"
There we are, enjoying our salads, and Maria starts elbowing me, whispering, "Aren't you going to ask him? I'm dying to know what happened. Please! Ask him!"
"So, dad...what did the doctor say about the whole 'Viagra' thing?"
"Oh! Yeah!" he said. "I'm on it now. If your mother was pissed before because I wasn't able to get it up, then she really must hate me now. I'm chasing her around the house like a goddamn seventeen year-old!"
And that, my friends, is the GOOD STUFF.
Scotty was nineteen, a hockey player and the older brother of a girl with whom I had trained. He was handsome. Tall and muscular with bright blue eyes and dark messy hair. He had a smile that made me want to take my panties off and hand them to him the very second he graced me with it. And of all the girls at the ice rink, he wanted me.
We dated for months, seeing one another on weekends and holidays when he came home from Purdue. The distance between us only added to the intensity of the situation. Young and foolish, we'd spend countless hours professing our undying love to one another as I hid under my comforter in an attempt to hide the fact that I was on the phone from my mother.
The kisses and the touching were all new to me. I was petrified and exhilarated all at once, and we pushed it a little further every time we were together. First, his hand under my shirt, then later, under my bra. Next a gentle rub over my pants, then suddenly his hands were in them, touching me in a way I'd never been touched before.
He was gentle with me...he moved slowly but with the confidence of a man twice his age. When he finally slipped his fingers inside of me, I felt light-headed. It wasn't until later that I realized I'd had my first orgasm. He never let me touch him, and though I was curious as to why, I was grateful that he took so much time trying to please me. I never questioned it. I just knew I was happy, and that was all that mattered.
That summer, his parents and his sister left on vacation for two weeks. Scotty stayed home because we had decided it was time for us to take the final physical step in our relationship. I remember it was a Saturday, and I had told my parents I was sleeping over at my friend Darcy's house.
When I arrived at Scotty's house, I was blown away. Everything was as I had imagined it should be...soft lighting, candles, flowers and music. He knew it was my first time, and he had worked so hard to make it perfect for me. For me, there was no fear of what was about to happen. His thoughtfulness comforted me and put my mind at ease.
After dinner, he grabbed my hand and led me upstairs to his bedroom. More candles and music...it was lovely. He undressed me, piece by piece, button by button. I pulled his shirt over his head, and then removed his belt. He gently lifted me and laid me down, my head resting at the foot of the bed. He took off his jeans while I watched, and I can remember thinking how great he looked in his boxer shorts.
He laid down next to me and we began kissing. After I while, I grew restless. I tugged at his boxers, moving them down just far enough so I could push them down the rest of the way with my toes. When they were almost all the way down, he rolled away from me and reached for a condom. I was a bit disappointed at how quickly he'd moved. Other than in pictures, I'd never seen a completely naked man, and I really wanted to take all of him in.
When he came back, he quickly moved on top of me and kissed me again. I moved my legs apart, and he laid between them. I was excited, and happy, and I couldn't wait to finally have him inside of me. And then it happened...
I felt his fingers, and then something else, but I wasn't quite sure what it was. Suddenly he started moving up and down, his thighs slapping against mine. What the hell? What's going on? I said, "Scotty, I want you inside of me. Please don't make me wait any longer."
He said, "I am in you, baby," and just kept going...up & down, up & down, thighs slapping against mine. What the fuck?
And then it hit me. He's small. Very, very small. Like, "I can't feel a goddamn thing" small. That's why he never let me touch him, and why he rolled away from me so quickly. Jesus Christ! Say it ain't so!
So I laid there, head tilted back, watching a muted re-run of Fantasy Island upside-down, listening to Depeche Mode's "Somebody" in the background, until Scotty and his little penis finally finished jack-hammering away at my thighs. To this day, I still have no idea how he came. I sure as hell couldn't feel anything, so how could he?
When he'd finished, he rolled over, kissed me deeply and said, "I love you, baby. That was incredible." I didn't have the heart to tell him what I really felt, so I lied. "Yeah, Scotty. That was great."
I won't bore you with the rest of the details, but needless to say, Scotty and I didn't last much longer. Wonderful as he was as a person, my immature mind couldn't get past the disappointment of that night. I know I hurt him when I broke it off, but even at seventeen, I knew that sex would be an important part of my life. I knew I needed more than what he was capable of giving me.
It was a while before I had sex again. As a matter of fact, I waited until I got to college...and I want to say thank you to John Hess, with his big, beautiful penis for finally showing me what good sex is really all about.