Wednesday, January 25, 2006

My Very First HNT...and What it Takes to Be My Guy


And before anyone asks, yes, that IS me, and they really ARE mine.
Now, on to the topic at hand...Dating and relationships. I read a few things on a number of blogs yesterday that I found a bit disturbing. Normally, this would be the time where I'd throw out a few links, but due to the nature of some of the posts, I'm certain they would understand why won't. In fact, I KNOW they'll be glad I didn't.
If you've read this blog for any period of time, you know I like to make light of the silliness of sex, dating and relationships. But the truth is, I'm a big old softy, and I do take matters of the heart very seriously - whether the heart in question is mine or that of someone I know.
After reading these posts, I did a lot of thinking. A LOT OF THINKING. At one point, I found myself furiously chicken-scratching notes all over the back of a client's file folder (Note to self: Replace the folder ASAP). Words, phrases, song lyrics...my own little relationship word association game.
I brought that folder home with me tonight, and I decided to organize the thoughts and come up with a list of what it is I really want in a man, a partner, a relationship. Trust me when I say I was shocked at how little time this took. Before I go any further, though, I want to explain some things about myself. I know for a fact there are people out there who'll read this and immediately go in to attack mode if all the proper disclaimers have not been put forth. Here goes...
Me
1. I'm still young. I know I still have plenty of time to find the right person. I'm in NO RUSH.
2. If I have a biological clock, it certainly isn't tick-tick-ticking away like other women at 33.
3. I've lived as a single woman for most of my adult life, and I'm perfectly content with that fact. In fact, I cherish it.
4. I do not, nor will I ever base my identity solely on the person I chose to be with, nor would I want him to do the same.
5. I love my personal space. I CRAVE it. I do not need to be with someone 24 hours a day. That could be grounds for homicide, and orange just really isn't my color.
6. I've never cared about getting married. It's not that I don't respect the institution, I'm just scared to death of the actual WORD "institution." It creeps me out. If it happens, great. If not, I'm happy shacking up. As long as my Grandmother doesn't know about it.
So, now that we've established the fact that I'm not a crazy woman, speed dating her way to a husband, 3.2 kids, a dog, mortgage and a mini-van (god FORBID), I'd like to put in words what it takes for a man to be with me. Ready?
What it Takes to Be My Guy
1. I expect and demand honesty. If you can't be completely up front with me, you need not apply for the job.
2. While I hate clingy men (oy vey, do I ever!), I do expect the random phone call, e-mail, or text every now and again to let me know you're thinking of me. If you're not thinking of me, there's no reason for us to be together in the first place.
3. I like sex. There, I said it (as if you didn't already know)! I am very open about it, and if you embarrass easily, I'm probably not the right girl for you.
4. Still on the topic of sex...If I tell you I do or do not like something, I expect that you will respond appropriately.
5. And still on the topic of sex (last one, I swear)...if you plan on sleeping with other people when you're sleeping with me, then you should just plan to keep on walking...out the door. And then walk some more.
6. I expect and demand the same level of respect that I give to you.
7. All of the above are NON-negotiable.
That's it. Simple, really. Isn't it? You'd be surprised. But I know he's out there. I'm certain, without a doubt that there's someone who can fill those shoes, to be the guy I need him to be...to be the man he wants to be. What does he get in return? Me, silly!
And of course, lots and lots of blowjobs...

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