Sunday, January 22, 2006

A Man's Best Friend...Nope, Not a Dog

A while back, I wrote a post about blowjobs, and my belief that they truly are a girl's best friend. Nearly everyone that left a comment or sent me an e-mail was in total agreement with me, and I even received a few declarations of love and couple of marriage proposals. I did however, receive a few snide remarks, mostly from my male friends. Of course I welcome their opinions, as there is always the possibility that I'm wrong. To be truthful, though, when it comes to the topic of oral sex, I'm very rarely off the mark.

Most of their quarrels with my statements had to do with the fact that they, in a way, felt they were getting the short end of the stick. We, as women, have the "the hummer," which makes men want to do nice things for us. More to the point, the anticipation of an impending BJ turns most men in to willing participants in events they would normally cringe at. For example: Shoe shopping, warming up the car on a bitterly cold night so our precious asses don't freeze, walking our yappy, tea-cup sized mutts, or worse, buying our tampons. What they said to me was, "What can we do to a woman that's comparable, that will elicit from women the same kind of niceties? Nothing!"

Now, a few days ago, I wrote in detail about what a man can do to make oral sex more enjoyable for his partner. But even that, unfortunately, may not be enough to get a woman to serve him and his buddies beer topless while they enjoy the Super Bowl. The main difference is this...women don't NEED sex as badly as men. For many women, the emotional aspect of a relationship is much more important than the physical. It's simply a biological fact. So that puts men at a total disadvantage in regards to the question at hand. Right? WRONG. DEAD WRONG.

What men often forget is that for women, sex is a wholly personal and intimate act. The old "Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am" thing doesn't necessarily work for us the way it does for guys. Hell, sometimes men can get their rocks off if the wind is blowing in the right direction. What we need is a little time, a little passion, and a little effort on his part to prove that it's not nearly all about him. We need to know that men are there for our pleasure just as much as their own.

What's the answer, then? Simple. It's called the G-Spot. Yes, that mystical, sweet and secret spot that each woman has deep within her (well, actually, it's not that deep). It's that lovely place inside us that will, if treated with the appropriate amount of attention, make us absolutely helpless in your hands.

So what's the problem, you may ask? Well, truth be told, many men just don't know where the hell it is. I asked every single one of my male friends to tell me where they thought the G-Spot was. I got a multitude of answers, ranging from the clitoris to, "No way! It really exists? I thought someone made that up!"

I thought about this for the past few days, and I keep returning to the same question. How is it that a man, knowing there's a secret part of a woman he could touch that would make her submit to his every whim, not want to find it? Then it hit me. Why? Whether the reason is ego or embarrassment from lack of knowledge, men will never stop and ask for directions.

That said, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you all a "map," and I'm going to tell you exactly what to do to make her want to be your beck-and-call girl. So, here we go again! Another one of my public service announcements.

Trixie's Guide to the G-Spot
Exhibit A:

Yes, the picture is a bit disgusting, what with her uterus showing and all, but go with it, ok? Do you see where his index and middle fingers are placed? Yep! That's it! That's the G-Spot. Now, I have to admit, it may be like trying to find a needle in a haystack at first. Before you get her going, it's only about the size of a pea. But play around a little, and gently, of course. She'll let you know when you've found the sweet spot, and she won't even have to say it. You can just TELL. Once you've found it, start moving your fingers as if you were motioning for someone to "come here." The two of you will figure out together how she likes it, but I guarantee you this...

Do it right, and you'll never again have to have lunch with her mother instead of going to the ball game.

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