Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Going Downtown

SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX
I can't help it. It's all that's been on my mind lately. Several times an hour, every hour of the day, every day for the past few days. I can't make it stop...not that I want to, mind you.
Today, while in the checkout line at the grocery store, I found myself daydreaming about a recent encounter I found particularly pleasing. I don't know how many times the cashier had said "Ma'am" before I snapped out of it. I was embarrassed, but still completely turned on at the same time. For God's sake! What's wrong with me! There's NOTHING sexy about Jewel-Osco!
Now I'm at home, still thinking, and there isn't anything I can do about it. Well, not ANYTHING. Trust me, if that's all it took, I'd be sleeping right now, contented, and not wide awake as I am currently. Pounding away, at the keyboard, that is, seems to be my only outlet this evening.
Back to my encounter...he knew what he was doing - I mean REALLY knew. You know what I'm talking about...oralgamie, cunnilingus, going DOWNTOWN. He was GOOD, and he made this Trixie Bell a very happy girl. Don't worry. I returned the favor.
Thinking on other "oral" moments, though, some very unpleasant memories came flooding back to me. The plain truth is that some men just don't know how to do it well, if at all. Tipping the velvet can be a tricky task, and requires a certain level of skill and concentration.
So, in yet another attempt at a Bated Breath public service announcement, I now present to you...
TRIXIE'S TIPS FOR GOING DOWN
1. Do NOT flail your head around as if you're having an epileptic seizure.
2. Do NOT do that "poking" thing with your tongue. It should be a fluid motion, like you're licking an ice cream cone.
3. Use of your fingers is good, as long as it's rhythmic, and not too rough. Bonus for you (and her) if you can find the G-Spot!
4. For heaven's sake, do NOT apply a ton of suction. Being Hoovered is not our idea of fun.
5. I won't speak for every woman, but I hate it when a man uses his nose as a penetration device. That's what your tongue and fingers are for.
6. The clitoris is your friend. Be nice to her, and she'll be good to you. Don't slap or bite her.
7. Ask your lady what she likes. Trust me on this when I say it's the most honest she'll ever be with you.
8. Try putting your hands underneath her ass & raising it up an inch or two. You may not understand it, but it creates a whole different sensation for her.
And if all else fails...
9. Write the letters of the alphabet with your tongue, over and over again. She'll never know what hit her.
So that's it. Amazing oral sex in 9 simple steps. I hope your read this, go home tonight, and blow your girl's mind. But for the love of God, please don't e-mail me with the dirty details.
I'm having a hard enough time sleeping (alone) at night...

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