Tuesday, January 03, 2006


HIVES. Yep, I've got them...induced by a situation I just experienced. How do I even begin to describe the level of repulsion I felt? I've been dry-heaving for an hour now. That should pretty much sum it up for you.

"What happened," you may ask. Well, I just caught a whiff the most vile odor I've ever smelled in my entire life, and it came from a human being. A woman walked by me in the grocery store, and I swear to all that is holy, she must have about two hundred cats at home, and every one of them had to have peed on her.

How does a person like that NOT know how revolting they smell? Or is it that they truly aren't aware of their own fetid stench? And if they are aware of it, why in the name of God don't they do something about it?

This, of course, got me to thinking about other things people can do to make me nuts, and I'm going to list every last one of them for you. What is my goal? Total destruction, plain and simple. I'm hoping to single-handedly rid the world of these obnoxious individuals.

Gum Smackers/Crackers: There aren't many things that annoy me more than this. Don't you realize you look and sound like a frigging cow? I just want to smack you in the back of the head so that the huge wad of crap you've got in your mouth gets stuck in your throat. Choke on it. PLEASE.

Seat Pee-ers: I don't know how often this happens in the men's room, but every time I walk in to a public restroom, it takes me at least two minutes to find a stall that doesn't have piss all over the toilet. Look, ladies, I understand that you don't want to touch your ass to the seat for fear of catching some horrid disease, but let me share a little fact with you. There is more bacteria on the bathroom door handle than on all the toilet seats combined. Please, use a seat cover, or learn to aim better.

Public Nose-Pickers: Every time I'm in my car, there's some jackass waiting next to me at the light just digging for gold. Now, I know its important to get the potato chips out if your nasal passages, but seriously, would it kill you to use a tissue? Even better...save that enjoyment for a public bathroom. You can do it while pissing all over the toilet.

Perfume/Cologne Bathers: This bothers me as much as the cat-piss lady. If people around you are gagging, it may be an indication that you've put too much on.

Fat-Bellied Women Wearing Tank/Tube Tops: Did you actually LOOK in the mirror before you left the house? Do you honestly think you look hot with your fat rolls hanging over the top of your jeans? Well, you don't. You look like a freaking stuffed sausage.

Lip Liner Addicts: I feel the same way about this as I do about the whole tank/tube top issue. Who told you that you look hot with super-dark lip liner and too-light lipstick? Glance in the mirror before you leave the house. If you look like you just gave a guy a blowjob, and only a small amount of lip liner has remained, do yourself a favor. Fill that shit in. NOTE: There is one exception to this...if you're latina and can kick my ass, my bitching does not apply to you.

So please, join the cause. Make the world a more beautiful place. Help me to show these people the error of their ways. Tell someone they smell like ass. Openly make fun of nose pickers. Smack a gum-cracker today!

If we all do it together, I know we can make a difference.

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