Antipathy & a Plea for Advice
Sorry, let me back up a bit. I received an e-mail last Friday from a very close friend, L, who thankfully knows nothing of this blog because of what I'm about to write. In the letter, she told me she was finally, once-and-for-all leaving her husband. Those words, while sad in nature, were music to my ears...you have absolutely NO idea. Let me back up even further...
L has been a dear friend for a very long time. I love her more than words can say, as does everyone immediately following meeting her. She is the most giving person I know. She is beautiful, talented and compassionate. She is an amazing mother and a doting wife.
Seven years ago I introduced her to A, the man she eventually married, and the one regret I will have for the rest of my life. Had I left well enough alone, they'd never have met, and L wouldn't have had to experience the pain of the last seven years. The only good that has come from this union is their beautiful little girl, my "niece." I swear that she's the only reason L has managed to stay sane in a life gone utterly mad.
You see, A is handsome, and charming, and completely shut off when it comes to anything close to an emotion other than anger and passion, though with him, I'm not sure those are mutually exclusive. When he's on, he can charm the pants off you. When he's pissed, no one is safe from his venom. Though he's never physically hurt L, the scars he's left on her psyche would take the average person decades of therapy to cure.
She isn't the L I used to know. Years ago, she would have told a man like him to fuck off and never look back. Now she's perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it's all because deep down, there's something about A that she sees that no one else can. For some reason, she's found a way to love a person the rest of the world would deem unloveable.
A works as a nightclub manager, on a completely opposite schedule from L, and it's a big bone of contention between them. It's a playground for him. Beautiful women throw themselves at him in return for free drinks and a waiving of the cover charge, and he thrives on the attention. Here, all his vices are viewed as acceptable behavior. The drinking, the drugs, the sex and the gambling are considered the norm. Perfectly ok for a man with a wife, a child and a mortgage, no?
This man, in their nearly six years of marriage, has managed to break almost every vow he made to L on their wedding day. I'll give you a small taste. These are just the tip of the iceberg:
1. He has admitted to cheating on her several times...in the club he manages. With a salesgirl from, get this...Limited Express.
2. He frequently drives home drunk. After he wrapped his car around a tree, he then proceeded to smash hers in to a parked car.
3. After the baby was born, they were struggling financially. L gave him money to go buy baby formula. He came home 6 hours later empty-handed. He had spent the money at a bar.
4. He has lost thousands of dollars by gambling, and attempted to cover it up for months.
Why then, you may ask, am I bitching about this, since she gave him the boot? Well, because she TOOK HIM BACK on Sunday. Again. For the umpteenth time. I'm completely at a loss to understand why, as are her family and all of her other friends.
Now I'm torn. I don't know who to be more disgusted with...A for being such a complete fucker, or L for being so weak. Part of me wants to say enough! I'm tired of being the one to pick up the pieces just so she can turn around and welcome him back. But in the end, I just can't do it. I love her too much.
So here's my plea...Please, someone, tell me what I can do to get through to her. I've tried everything I can think of short of taking a hit out on him. And I really don't want to hear anyone say, "There's nothing you can do until she's ready to ask for help." I call bullshit on that. There has to be another way.