Wednesday, December 21, 2005

An Open Apology to Big Girls Everywhere...or, "How I know I'm Going to Hell"

I was a terrible human being last night. No doubt about it. I hang my head in shame at the very thought of my behavior. I owe big women everywhere a huge apology. I know I'm going to eat shit for this, and in a way I already have. So please, don't rip me too hard in the comments.

First, a little back story...

I'm a good person, or at least I try to be. I'm nice to my mother. I hold doors open for people. I allow cars to merge in front of me, even if they don't deserve it. I'm kind to children and animals. I don't park in the handicap spots, although I'm often tempted to. I attempt to be polite to everyone, even if they're behaving like a douchebag. I try. I really, really do. However, for as far back as I can remember, I've always had this, well, intolerance for fat people.

I hate it when I'm sitting next to a big person on a bus, train or airplane. Why should I be forced to have my leg squashed under their gigantic thighs until I can no longer feel my feet? For Chrissakes, the CTA is beginning to renovate it's fleet of busses to WIDEN the seats from 17 to 18 inches, hence eliminating some much needed seating. I'm sorry, but if you can't squeeze your ass on to a 17 inch seat, then it may be time to think about getting to the gym, right? Hey! It's my money that's paying for it! Don't I get a say? How come they get to be more comfortable? If they paid a double fare because they're the size of two people, I might me less apt to bitch, but c'mon! Let's be serious here, people!

I can't look at a big person who's shoving French fries down their throat without thinking, "My GOD lady! Just say no!" Watching them chew simply grosses me out. It's like seeing a cow chomping on it's oats. Have you ever witnessed that up close? It's disgusting! It's as if they have no concern for their physical well-being. Why don't they just hook themselves up to an IV full of cholesterol while they're at it?

Now, I understand that there are some people who have medical problems that cause them to be obese, but really, there's no way you can ever convince me that every big person has a thyroid problem. Even I'm not THAT gullible. I know, I know. You think I'm an insensitive bitch, right? All I can say in response to that is this...You try living in the fifth fattest city in the country. Before you know it, you might find yourself thinking exactly like me.

So, if you don't already think I'm terrible, keep on reading. Here's where the "horrible person" part comes in...

Last night was my company holiday party. I work with an amazing group of talented and creative people, so needless to say, we had a great deal of fun. We all love our drink, too, so to say that we were all bombed is an absolute understatement. After dinner, we moved up the street to a little bar to continue the debauchery. At a table across from us were two VERY big girls, shovelling their deep-fried bar food in their pieholes, and something in me (maybe the Patron?) just snapped.

We have two male interns working at our office. Both are young film students, and both quite cute in that scruffy, artistic way. I dared them to go and hit on the big girls, but neither of them wanted any part of it. So what did I do? I factored a little money in to the equation. I offered them fifty bucks each to go and make nice with the ladies. Apparently, when you're a poor college student, money always outrules pride. Those two were at the girls' table in two seconds flat.

But then something unexpected happened. The boys actually STAYED at the table...for the rest of the night. Curious to know what was going on, I went over and introduced myself. That's when I decided I was a complete asshole. Not only were the girls very sweet, but the boys genuinely seemed to dig them. God, I suck. And now, because I was such a moron, I was out one hundred dollars.

How could I have been so cruel? Who was I to decide to make a joke out of them? I made horrible assumptions about two women that had never done anything to me. So, I did what any jerkoff would do in that situation. I slipped a fifty in to each of the boy's pockets, and got the hell out of there before I died of embarrassment.

Obviously, I owe someone an apology. I figured the best way to do that is to make one broad, sweeping act of contrition here for the whole world to witness. I am sorry. Very, truly, unbelievably sorry for being such an obnoxious twat. While I still have my opinions on the overweight of the world, I will, from this point forward, promise to keep them to myself.

Postscript: When I got to work this morning, I asked one of the boys how the rest of his evening went. Here's a direct quote: "She ate my face off until sun-up."

Hmm, maybe my initial reaction was correct after all...




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