My Very First Guest Post!
Merry F'ing Christmas everybody.
After hours of nearly being killed by frantic holiday drivers on the streets of Chicago, I returned home feeling more like Ebenezer Scrooge than Tiny Tim. Apparently, there are plenty of you out there that feel the same way. Personally, I can't wait until it's all over with, so everyone can return to being normal Everyday Assholes instead of the Extra Bonus Holiday Assholes they turn in to at this ridiculous time of year.
So, in the spirit of the Extra Bonus Holiday Asshole, I'd like to share something pretty damn funny with you that my anonymous guest-poster recently sent me. Apparently, some moron sent him a "Happy Holidays, This is What I've Been Doing All Year" letter (puke), and what you're about to read is his response to it. Oh, and just in case you're wondering, I have a pretty big crush on this guy. And NO, I'm not gonna tell you who he is...
How god damn vain is this crap where people send you "the holiday letter" stating what they have been up to for the last year? Like I need to waste my time reliving your god damn year hiking, swimming, skiing, your sister breaking her leg, Uncle John's moment of choking on some string cheese, etc... Here's my point...IF I WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT EVER FACET OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE I WOULD HAVE KEPT IN TOUCH WITH YOU! BY ME NOT COMMUNICATING INDICATES THAT I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT! DON'T EXPECT ME TO WASTE MY PRECIOUS TIME WITH YOUR DRIBBLE. YES THE WORLD DOES REVOLVE SOLELY AROUND YOU, YOU ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE THE CENTER OF MINE AND EVERYONE'S ATTENTION, 24/7 - 365 A YEAR! CAN'T YOU TELL BY MY CONSTANT CONTACT WITH YOU OVER THE PAST YEAR OR ARE YOU JUST SO WRAPPED UP IN YOUR SPECIAL LIFE THAT YOU DIDN'T REALIZE I WASN'T AROUND?
Damn I hate that shit, just thought you might want to know. Maybe that will spark something for you to write about or at least argue with me about.
And there you have it folks! One more absurd holiday tradition we're forced to endure. And people have to wonder why the suicide rate is higher during this season than any other time of the year...
So, here's to wishing you and your loved ones a miserable fucking Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwaanza or whatever. Why should we be the only ones to suffer?
God SAVE us, every one! (That is what you said, Tiny Tim, is it not?)