Friday, November 18, 2005


Being newly single, I’ve recently decided to “get back in the saddle,” so to speak. I’ve met a multitude of men, and for the most part, I’ve been enjoying myself immensely. I’ve been off the market for some time, though, and I’d forgotten how many different kinds of men there are out there.

My last relationship was one of those long-distance numbers, only seeing one another a few times a month. Being away from him, and not wanting to be alone all the time, I tried to lead as normal of a social life as possible when I was home. I’m not going out any more now than I had during the eight months we were together. But now, when I’m out, it seems that the dynamics have shifted. I’m no longer thinking about conducting myself with the level of decorum appropriate for a “taken” woman.

It’s funny, actually. When you’re involved with someone you really care about, you practically walk around with blinders on. I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone, but speaking for myself, George Clooney could have asked me out and I would have refused. Ridiculous, I know, but it’s the truth nonetheless. When I’m happy and in love, there is no one more important to me than the object of my affection. However, with all this newly-found time on my hands, I’ve begun noticing things, both subtle and glaringly obvious, about the men around me.

So, without further ado, here’s a list of some of my observations…

Type: Scruffster/Starving Artist
Neighborhood Most Likely to Reside In: Bucktown/Wicker Park
Defining Physical Characteristics: This guy has a penchant for the “just got out of bed” look. His hair is messy, he’s got a perpetual five o’clock shadow, and he’s usually way too thin. There’s usually the slightest smell of B.O. or patchouli trailing after him.
Typical Attire: Ripped white t-shirt, hooded zip-up sweatshirt, jeans or Dickie’s trousers, Van’s or Chuck Taylor shoes, and a big, over-the shoulder bag.
Defining Personality Characteristics: This guy is usually sweet, to the point of almost being romantic. He’s a good listener, and he cares deeply about what you’re feeling, as well as what’s going on in the world around him. He’s usually a bit shy, and his feelings can be hurt easily. Sometimes, a tortured soul (self-imposed.)
The Book That’s Always Next to the Toilet: Catcher in the Rye
Attracted To: Any woman that looks like Betty Page
Typical Career Choice: Bike messenger, Non-Profit Organization worker, Starbuck’s Barista
Can Be Found In: Goldstar, Danny’s Tavern
Datability Factor (1-10): 7. I’d like to go higher on this one, because they are usually just about the nicest guys you’ll ever meet. But their lack of ambition is usually a turn-off to me. However, every girl should have one of these guys as a “friend with benefits.”

Type: Meathead Jockstrap
Neighborhood Most Likely to Reside In: Wrigleyville, Lakeview
Defining Physical Characteristics: This kind of guy can actually be split up in to two categories. He’s either monstrously obese from all the chicken wings and beer he’s consumed, or he’s stocky, bulked up with too much muscle from incessantly lifting free weights.
Typical Attire: Favorite sports team jersey/shirt & baseball hat or visor. Cargo shorts. Either cross-trainers or Adidas flip-flops.
Defining Personality Characteristics: None, because he really doesn’t have one.
The Book That’s Always Next to the Toilet: If he reads, it’s Ditka: an Autobiography
Attracted To: Any woman who can tell him Corey Patterson’s batting average.
Typical Career Choice: Construction
Can Be Found In: Cubby Bear, Hi-Top’s or Yakzie’s
Datability Factor (1-10): 1. These guys are fun if you’re going to a ball game, but that’s about it. Unless you have a desire to get beer spilled on you, never have sex because of constant whiskey-dick and clean up vomit, this guy should be avoided at all costs.

Type: Southside Joey
Neighborhood Most Likely to Reside In: Bridgeport
Defining Physical Characteristics: He’s Italian, through and through. Dark hair, dark eyes. Usually well-built, because he’s used to a hard day’s work.
Typical Attire: Right now? Anything displaying the White Sox logo, and he usually wears a large gold necklace.
Defining Personality Characteristics: Loud and boisterous, this guy is all about having a good time. He tends to have a quick temper, though, and gets in to fights easily. He’s also extremely loyal to his friends and family.
The Book That’s Always Next to the Toilet: Sinatra: the Life
Attracted To: Loud, boisterous Italian girls – preferably already the mother of one or two kids.
Typical Career Choice: Illinois Department of Transportation Highway worker.
Can Be Found In: 35th Street Tap
Datability Factor (1-10): 5. These guys are nothing if not loyal. They’ll treat you like a princess if you don’t piss them off. However, the poor grammar (i.e.: Dees, dem & dohs, or one, two, tree), coupled with a lower I.Q. can be a deal breaker.

Type: Western Suburban Wannabe
Neighborhood Most Likely to Reside In: Schaumburg
Defining Physical Characteristics: Well groomed, in fact, overly-groomed. He looks like he walked straight out of an episode of “Growing up Gotti.” Waxed, spiky hair & a perma-tan.
Typical Attire: Collared shirt, untucked with large, unbuttoned cuffs. Tailored blue jeans, and black, expensive loafers. Rolex is optional.
Defining Personality Characteristics: This guy is shallow. He only cares about two things: himself, and banging broads. He gets in to a fight outside of a bar every weekend, usually because, “He fucked wit my boy, yo.”
The Book That’s Always Next to the Toilet: No book, just numerous back-issues of Penthouse
Attracted To: Anything blonde, big-breasted and dumb as a box of rocks.
Typical Career Choice: Mobile Phone Sales
Can Be Found In: Excalibur, or any place on Division Street.
Datability Factor (1-10): 0. Do I really need to explain this one?

These guys are just a few examples of what I’ve witnessed so far. If you don’t see your type here, don’t fret, because there will be more to come. After all, I just got back out there! Give me a little more time.

Of course, not every man fits in to one of these categories. There are, without a doubt, some wonderful, intelligent and interesting guys in this city. And when all is said and done, I still love ‘em all.

Well, maybe not all of them...

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