Wednesday, November 30, 2005

At the End of it All

It's dark now, and I am laying alone in my bed. The silence only broken by the scattered thoughts that are colliding like atoms inside my consciousness. Furious explosions of memories won't let me sleep.

Sweet kisses, walks in Central Park, standing together at the ocean's edge at midnight...

Anger, resentment, indifference and pain...

It's all over now and I know, in the deepest parts of me, it was the right decision to walk away. I knew it was time to let you go...and for me to finally have some semblance of peace.

"Save yourself! Salvage what's left of your sanity! Get out while you still have something positive to hold on to!"

Those thoughts, from other sleepless nights, were the catalyst for transformation.

So what do I do with this now? Tonight I feel as though the memories are eating me alive, devouring my sensibilities whole. But I can't let it. I can't allow the sadness to take over. I won't.

When the gray fog of sleep finally comes over me, I am grateful for it. It cloaks the memories in a haze, watering down the colors of my emotions. My breathing slows, I shut my eyes, and at once, everything is set to right again.

I woke up today with a sense of hope. The sadness that had troubled me in those late, dark hours is all but gone. It has been replaced with something that I am yet unable to put my finger on, something lighter. But I know one thing for certain... weren't the first thought in my head when I awoke, and for that, I am grateful.

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