Tuesday, November 29, 2005

And Then it (He) Hit Me...

Exactly one week ago today, in response to this post Armaedes said...

You need to simmah down now. It pisses me off when people go ape-shit changing everything to make the other person in the relationship happy, that's gay. You should be able to act like yourself and they can take it or leave it. There's a fine line between making compromises and changing yourself to make them happy.

My response was to tell him that I was merely changing a part of myself that I didn't like. However, upon further reflection - and I can't believe I'm saying this - Armaedes, YOU WERE RIGHT. Why should I have to change anything? What it comes down to are these three simple facts:

  • I am, after all, only human, and I have flaws.
  • I am a good, scratch that, great, person, and a lot of people love me.
  • I should be with someone who wants me, all of me. The good with the bad.

Our flaws, or idiosyncrasies, are what make us unique. Special, even. Why should we change them and lose a part of who we truly are? At the end of the day, when I lay my head down on my pillow, I like who I am, and I fall asleep with a clear conscience. I'm not giving that up for anyone.

So, last night I made a major, life-altering decision. I've made a clean break from him. I've walked away, and I'm not going back. Over the past few months, this relationship became more and more like a broken record. We kept hitting the same snags along the way. But instead of going out and buying a new one, we just kept smacking the player, hoping to get past the rough spots.

It will be difficult, and I'm not deluding myself in to thinking otherwise. I've been in love before. I know what the end of the game is like. But oddly, there's a sense of happiness and hope that I haven't felt in months. Maybe it's because I'm looking forward to a future unfettered by tension and stress. Maybe it's because I know I'm still capable of loving someone. Better yet, maybe it's because I'm now free to find that "big bad love" I know I deserve.

Whatever the case may be, I like my odds, and I'm happy. Isn't that what really counts?

Thanks for the smack in the face, Armaedes. I needed that.

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